United States: Negotiation Techniques I Learned From My Teenagers

My mother laughs a little more these days because her wish has come true. I have three teenagers and one of them is a lot like me.    And while these years can be (ahem) challenging, I am convinced that my negotiation skills have improved due to the ample opportunities for practice that my teens regularly provide for me.

I have distilled it down to 6 "do's" and "don'ts" to remember when you are negotiating for your client:

1. DO know the subject area better than your adversary. Educate yourself about how your client's business works and how it is structured so that you have a solid foundation for negotiating with the other side. If you don't "get" how the business works, you might overlook significant issues in the negotiation process that your client may not have even considered. It is difficult to argue about access to social media for example, when you have no idea how "snapchat" works.

2. DON'T negotiate when you are distracted. If an adversary calls you to talk settlement and you are in the middle of a brief that has to be filed the next day, don't be tempted to "multi- task." Instead, set up a discussion the following day at a time when you can be completely focused on the negotiation.  This strategy is akin to my "we'll see" response to my teen when she pleads to go to the party "everyone" is going to while I am rushing out the door for work.

3. DO prepare. The most important element of any successful negotiation is to prepare what you intend to discuss, what you anticipate the other side to raise, and the support you have for your position. Before you negotiate, check in with your client to see if there are any developments that may impact negotiations, review your pleadings, and the cases that support your position. In teen world, this translates into researching where the party is, who the parents are, and whether the upperclassmen are going too.

4. DON'T sweat the small stuff.  In any negotiation, there are big things that really matter to your client, and minor things that will not make or break the deal.  Know the difference so that you can tune in to see how important that "little thing" is to the other side.  Negotiation deadlocks can sometimes be avoided if the small stuff is given in return for an otherwise acceptable deal.  For my daughter, that means picking her up at 11:30 instead of 11.

5. DO know what your client wants and what your adversary wants.   In line with not sweating the small stuff, make sure you have asked your client this simple question: "What do you want?" In addition to knowing what your client wants, it is important to know what your adversary is looking to receive.  Since moving targets are much more difficult to hit than stationary ones, lock in what the parties are looking for so that your negotiations are focused on the matters that will result in a deal.  Maybe you think your teen really wants to go to her friend's house for a get together and then sleepover with seven other friends, but what she really wants is for you to say "no" to the sleepover part so she can sleep in the next day.

6. DON'T wait to negotiate.   Litigators know that before they start any trial, the judge brings counsel into chambers and asks if the parties have tried to settle the case.  Since you are going to be confronted with this question after your client has expended significant legal fees, why not have this discussion at the outset? While it may not be appropriate in every case, early negotiations can be an effective way to focus on what really matters to both parties and pave the way to a settlement that can be reached before legal fees escalate.  As applied to teens, check out that dress your daughter borrowed from her friend a few days before the dance so that you have time to talk her out of it and get another one that won't give her father a heart attack.

The best negotiators draw from their experiences and effectively prepare for the resolution they seek for their clients. If you don't have a teenager, I would borrow one for a few weeks and practice your negotiation skills. You will be amazed.

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